Decisions

I turn eighteen next Thursday- like, five and a half days time.

It's not a big deal for me. I'm not fussed on being able to legally buy grog, or go out clubbing, or whatever else it is normal almost eighteen year olds yearn for.

But it has made me go "Oh shit- I'm going to be an adult next week... And what the fuck am I doing with my life?"

And while I still don't know the answer to that particular question, after an exhaustive and emotional morning, I've come to a couple of decisions that are going to lead to some changes in my life. They're not overly major when you think about it, but for me they're definitely going to be a turning point and that's why I really, really need to do this.

I've got this... idea... in my head, that next Thursday any real decisions I've made concerning my attitude towards my life are going to be stuck, so I'm figuring out where my head is and where I want it to be.

It's been three years of switching and changing, jumping into things I think I want and then realising no, I merely want to want them.

People have this image of me in their heads that's wrong, and I'm determined to change it- but before I do that I need to work out what I want to see myself as.

I'm sick of lying, and going back and forth from deliriously happy to incredibly depressed. I'm sick of seeing so much of my life as chores I have to do, not want to do, just because it's something I enjoy.

My parents have kept asking me, "What do you want to do for your birthday?" and up until last night I had no idea. But I'm now planning on heading off by myself for a few hours to see the final Harry Potter movie- thought it'd be a wonderfully fitting way to kind of farewell my childhood.

Change is coming, and I think I'm finally starting to figure myself out.

And to actually make this post actually dog related: Orange is still caught in shit winter weather mode. The pups turn seven weeks old on Monday, and I have no idea if one of them is mine or not yet.

/efbjvbklwemfnjkbc