I Feel A Bit Jumbled

I grieve in a burst, basically. I will totally lose the plot, be a sobbing mess, get it all out and then go, "Right, onwards".

It also kind of helped me cope with Fletcher's passing a lot because I had a couple of weeks to come to terms with the idea, then there was just coming to terms with it happening when it did. It wasn't like I lost him all of a sudden, without warning- which I no doubt would have if I hadn't started going to my new vet. Totally amazing man and I won't be taking my pets anywhere else ♥

Anyway, the point of this is while I'm sad still- and I'll always be sad over what ended up happening- I've accepted what's happened, accepted that it had to happen, accepted that there's nothing anyone could have done more. And I kind of feel a bit guilty for it, like I should be a continual sobbing mess for another week or so at least.

But I have to be able to function. And I still have my other pets that need me to function properly, and a job that needs to be attended to, and everything else. And prolonged grieving isn't how I roll.

Like how I feel, this post is starting to be jumbled.

Anyway! I know, I'm horrible, but I've already started looking at breeders.

/guilt guilt guilt

What can I say? I miss having a sheltie already and I was so excited to keep going with training and all the things to look forward to in the future. I wanted to do all of that with Fletcher because he was just such an awesome, amazing, wonderful little guy, but it didn't work out that way. I had him for the time I did, we did what we could, and I've accepted that as well.

So, getting to the point eventually, I'm not going to rush out and get a puppy from anyone who has one available tomorrow. I'm totally broke at the moment, I think emotionally I'd be unable to cope with a new pup right at the moment, but hopefully towards the middle/early part of the end of the year I'll be ready to bring a bubby home again. But I'm emailing breeders starting now because from searching at the end of last year- which was my very first breeder experience and was so scary but a real learning phase anyway- I realised how beneficial it is to get in ahead of time by at least a few months. So if I contact a few breeders, find one I like, and they're planning a litter in the second half of this year it'll be good.

Scotsdream was the first breeder I contacted last year and got that awesome vibe off; but her bitch didn't take, which threw the whole plan out of the window. I emailed her about her breeding plans for the rest of the year and haven't heard back yet, but I've got my fingers crossed. If that doesn't work, I'm conflicted about contacting Hilswick- who I was going to get a puppy off last year instead of Fletch- because I don't know... I don't really know, actually. I do, I have a few reasons, but whenever I try to get those reasons out of my head they don't want to be coherent. Basically it feels a bit awkward, to keep it very basic. She's Fletcher's breeder's mentor and I don't know how much Barbara has told Carole about what happened and it's just... weird.

Ninety nine per cent of the weird is no doubt just me and my stupid brain making things more complicated than they need to be, but it's making me hesitate just the same.

SO I DON'T KNOW.

D:

Rah. I know if I wait and wait until I have a clearer head I'll end up missing out on things and not ending up with another dog at all- which isn't an option, to be perfectly honest- so I want to sort out something of a plan for the rest of the year as soon as possible.

But it's all jumbled.

I'm overthinking things. I shouldn't.

But I do.

Bad Emma.