This'll Jinx It

But I'm excited!

Charlie's been stressy, lately. For the past few months he's just been off. Not himself.

And I don't know why.

I still don't know the exact reason, but the past couple of days we've done things a bit differently and I've seen something of an improvement. It involves lots of clapping, and a ridiculously high voice, and zero corrections in any shape or form apart from a little "oops, silly boy" and then taking him back and starting again.

But he seems happier, which makes me happier. And when I'm happier he's happier and when he's happier I'm happier and-

Yeah, the picture has been got.

I'm thinking of taking a couple of months break from obedience classes at training, because while our instructor is awesome, she's very... driven. Things have to be perfect. And Charlie and I aren't, and we both tend to get a bit stressy in classes. So I'm wondering whether taking the break and just having lots of silly fun at home and with agility will help us figure each other out more, and then once we've got a rhythm going we can return to obedience and give the class another (for what will be the... fifth? Something ridiculous, anyway) try.

I also gave him a short try on the treadmill and he seemed to find it okay. He's never been over the moon at the prospect of a walk anyway, so his reaction was what I get when I take him on lead somewhere. Since I can't walk him unless I get driven somewhere, I'm thinking about putting him on the treadmill once or twice a day, and me on the bike next to him so it's kind of like we're going somewhere. Hehe.

The plan, in brief, is to: be silly, up the exercise a lot, probably have obedience take a backseat for the next few months, do more free shaping and confidence building, and talk like I'm inhaling helium.

Sounds like a pretty awesome plan if I do say so myself.

Just A Vid

The Collar Is The Key?

Something I've noticed over the past week with Charlie is that me holding his collar elicits SPAZ DOG.

And SPAZ DOG means amped up, pulling, ready to go go go.

And I'm starting to connect the dots and beginning to wonder if me holding his collar before our runs at trials (once we have the lead off, I have his collar and walk him into position then release before giving the okay to the judge that we're ready) is what sends him just that very last bit over the edge into the realm of absolute uncontrolled insanity.

He already gets locked into this stress/excitement/emotion feeding frame of mind that makes him mental at trials, but maybe I'm sending the wrong message with the holding of the collar then releasing while telling him to wait.

Because let's face it, he doesn't really listen at the start line to what I'm saying anyway.

Explanation: ever since he was nine weeks old, most- if not all- of Charlie's "collar training" has been about pulling against it, anticipating the release. We did lots and lots of restrained recalls, toy drive exercises, things which required him to pull against the collar pressure and get really pumped up- and the reward for getting into that was the release.

And basically the "cue" for the release after being held by the collar was nothing more than being allowed to run. So maybe I'm confusing him, and sending the wrong message by holding him as he's pulling pulling pulling at the start line, then letting him go and he's so ready to just take off, even with a wait command he's not knowing what else to do.

I don't know, it made more sense when it was just in my head.

Anyway. I've got nothing to lose, so I'm going to try out no collar holding or dog touching at our next trial at Logan and see whether that gets something of a result. I really need to sort out a couple of ADAA comps, too, and give them a shot.

I've had a bit of a rough couple of days, and lazy days as well with the rain and whatnot, so haven't done anything much with Charlie, or got around to organising structured training. But tomorrow- if I get time in between fleece shopping and work and composite class- I'll have a look at a program.

If not tomorrow, then Wednesday definitely.

Blah

Feeling really, really depressed this evening.

I'm missing Fletch so much and it's actually starting to hit home more now that he's actually gone and he won't be coming back. I watched a couple of agility clip things on YouTube, saw a few shelties running, and it just breaks my heart that my awesome little puppy never even had a chance to do that.

And then I was looking through some photos and it kind of spiralled down from there.

There's some other, none dog related crap as well that I won't blab on about, but the catalyst of my crappy mood is Fletcher not being here anymore.

I hate cancer so fucking much.

It's not fair I had to lose my puppy before he even reached seven months old. It's not fair he had to lose his life before it had even started.

I don't understand how people can breed untested dogs- or dogs they know have medical issues. That's not what happened with Fletcher, but if so much pain and suffering came out of that- something no one had any clue that would happen, and no control over- I don't know what it would feel like to lose a puppy because of something the breeder could have prevented.

It sucks so much, and it hurts so much, and I don't know how people can be so selfish.

And I don't get how people can just get a dog with no thinking behind it, and plonk it in the backyard and not do anything with it and not give a toss about what happens to it.

I would give anything to have Fletcher back, happy and healthy like he deserved to be. So I don't- I can't understand how people can just not care, and take what they have for granted.

It sucks and it isn't fair and it's so fucking messed up.

I really miss my puppy.

Fostering! Maybe

I think I'm going to bring up fostering for the AWL with my parents again.

I feel really bad I can't adopt a dog from them anymore, so I'd like to do at least a little bit to help out. I've still got a few more months before I'm eighteen and can volunteer a shift or two a week, and this way I can start helping sooner as well as getting a bit more experience with dogs other than my own.

It's something I've wanted to do for years and years, but I think now's a pretty good time to actually do it.

So fingers crossed! I've already proved I can handle multiple dogs, and the AWL provides everything you could possibly need to look after the fosters so I don't see how they could have a problem with it.

Unless mum freaks about her house being a mess.

But that's just a little detail.

We can disregard that.

Just... Stuff

Prepare for a ramble.

You've been warned.

So I've been switched to working Friday afternoons instead of Thursday afternoons- which is fine, but Charlie had a return visit to the chiropractor this afternoon to go to. I had to go to work. So mum took him.

Well... She tried to take him. I got the wrong road name for the address and an hour and a half later- long past the appointment time- mum arrived home with an un-chiropracted Charlie. Now I have to try and get a hold of the chiropractor to apologise for the no show and try to fit Charlie in for another check up and retweak- not on a Friday so I can go along.

Apart from that, the first day of the Easter school holidays was pretty dull. Spent nearly the whole morning before I went in to work having my hair re-done by mum and Charlie lazed about. One of my aunties, her husband and their three kids are up for a visit for the next week, but that's about it.

These holidays I want to take the dogs to the Spit a few times at the very least, and get in some park excursions.

With everything that happened over the past month or so with Fletcher, I've been so slack with training the dogs. We've done literally nothing apart from once a week at agility, once a week at demo class, once a week at obedience- and the latter two we've only just gone back to after a two/three week absence. It doesn't seem like nothing, but the fact is we're learning new stuff in every class every week, and we should ought to be working on that new stuff at home.

But we haven't. Woops.

I need a training plan.

So I've decided to draft one up tomorrow. It'll encompass agility, demo class and obedience as well as other silly bits and pieces so my dog doesn't have a mental breakdown. We need to go back and revisit contacts (for the fiftieth time... life would be so much simplier if I could just stick with jumpers) some distance work and control and absolutely everything. And we're also adding things in for obedience and demo- we need lots of work on heelwork mainly, and to get over the "WET GRASS!!!!" meltdown issues Charlie has. Especially since we're heading into winter and the grass is always wet. Eh.

I need to actually finish off the crappy jumps, and get some weave poles happening. And some contact equipment. And I need some space, and flat land.

And I'm broke, so I need money. Why does everything cost so much? Come August I should have an extra $750 popping into my bank account from my dad's parents who have had extra bank accounts set up for each of us grandkids since we were little, accumulating a bit of money that they'll send our way when we each turn eighteen. As the oldest of their "grandies", I get the first honour- and it couldn't be coming at a better time, right when I'll be needing a big bulk sum of cash if the litter I'm hoping to get a pup from eventuates. And I'm meant to be getting some more shifts at work, and some Sunday work, which'll help.

We've got a trial on May 21st at Logan: excellent jumpers, open jumpers and novice snooker. Second snooker run; hopefully it'll go better than our first. We're also planning on participating in the RSPCA Million Paws Walk on May 15th with some agility buddies. I went year before last for the first time with our training club and had a blast; I skipped last year because we had a trial on the day before that went late and Charlie and I were both still dead to the world as the walk was starting. But my trial supervisor is at a show on the 14th this year, so we won't be at Jimboomba then and thus the walk is a go!

I think I've rambled enough, and skipped about all over the place enough for one evening. I've had no success finding an easy to use, free to download, compatible with Vista video editing software other than the free MovieMaker that came with my laptop. I want to try something different, and need something that can handle a bit more heavy-on-the-text than MovieMaker, but no luck so far. And it's really annoying, too, because I have an idea and I want to give it a bash- but I can't until I track down the right software.

Grr.

I Feel A Bit Jumbled

I grieve in a burst, basically. I will totally lose the plot, be a sobbing mess, get it all out and then go, "Right, onwards".

It also kind of helped me cope with Fletcher's passing a lot because I had a couple of weeks to come to terms with the idea, then there was just coming to terms with it happening when it did. It wasn't like I lost him all of a sudden, without warning- which I no doubt would have if I hadn't started going to my new vet. Totally amazing man and I won't be taking my pets anywhere else ♥

Anyway, the point of this is while I'm sad still- and I'll always be sad over what ended up happening- I've accepted what's happened, accepted that it had to happen, accepted that there's nothing anyone could have done more. And I kind of feel a bit guilty for it, like I should be a continual sobbing mess for another week or so at least.

But I have to be able to function. And I still have my other pets that need me to function properly, and a job that needs to be attended to, and everything else. And prolonged grieving isn't how I roll.

Like how I feel, this post is starting to be jumbled.

Anyway! I know, I'm horrible, but I've already started looking at breeders.

/guilt guilt guilt

What can I say? I miss having a sheltie already and I was so excited to keep going with training and all the things to look forward to in the future. I wanted to do all of that with Fletcher because he was just such an awesome, amazing, wonderful little guy, but it didn't work out that way. I had him for the time I did, we did what we could, and I've accepted that as well.

So, getting to the point eventually, I'm not going to rush out and get a puppy from anyone who has one available tomorrow. I'm totally broke at the moment, I think emotionally I'd be unable to cope with a new pup right at the moment, but hopefully towards the middle/early part of the end of the year I'll be ready to bring a bubby home again. But I'm emailing breeders starting now because from searching at the end of last year- which was my very first breeder experience and was so scary but a real learning phase anyway- I realised how beneficial it is to get in ahead of time by at least a few months. So if I contact a few breeders, find one I like, and they're planning a litter in the second half of this year it'll be good.

Scotsdream was the first breeder I contacted last year and got that awesome vibe off; but her bitch didn't take, which threw the whole plan out of the window. I emailed her about her breeding plans for the rest of the year and haven't heard back yet, but I've got my fingers crossed. If that doesn't work, I'm conflicted about contacting Hilswick- who I was going to get a puppy off last year instead of Fletch- because I don't know... I don't really know, actually. I do, I have a few reasons, but whenever I try to get those reasons out of my head they don't want to be coherent. Basically it feels a bit awkward, to keep it very basic. She's Fletcher's breeder's mentor and I don't know how much Barbara has told Carole about what happened and it's just... weird.

Ninety nine per cent of the weird is no doubt just me and my stupid brain making things more complicated than they need to be, but it's making me hesitate just the same.

SO I DON'T KNOW.

D:

Rah. I know if I wait and wait until I have a clearer head I'll end up missing out on things and not ending up with another dog at all- which isn't an option, to be perfectly honest- so I want to sort out something of a plan for the rest of the year as soon as possible.

But it's all jumbled.

I'm overthinking things. I shouldn't.

But I do.

Bad Emma.

I'd hoped this was going to be a seven month old video.

But it's not.



At just twenty seven weeks old, Fletcher lost his battle with cancer; he was fine, happy and bubbly, spent ages chasing the hose on Thursday morning, but by that afternoon he'd deteriorated rapidly and started bleeding out of his nose. So Friday afternoon he finally got to rest, and escape the pain.

I decided we'd both been put through enough and it wasn't fair for me to hold onto him any longer. He was ready to go, and I needed to be strong enough to let him.

I love this dog so freakin' much; he was just the most amazing little thing to ever walk into my life, and I feel so, so lucky to have shared the past four months and three weeks with him.

Fletcher showed me that even the littlest thing, like an empty bowl on the kitchen floor, can be new and exciting; even in pain, and unable to see a thing, he'd still play and train and live- live like he deserved to for so much longer than he had the chance to. He showed me how to go about every single day like you might not get an opportunity to see another, and that scary things turn out not to be so scary once you run up and investigate them. He showed me how fun it was to be silly and unnecessarily loud, and that the best time can only be had once you put in one hundred and ten per cent effort and give it all you've got.

He gave so much love, and fun, and fire to everything he did, and everyone he met.

So, my little anomaly, my little pirate pup- I'm sorry things ended the way they did, I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you, I'm sorry no one could do more for you. You deserved everything in the world and got dealt a bloody cruel hand instead.

But for the short time you were in my life, you lived to the fullest, and were loved and doted on- and you'll always be loved, Fletch. No other dog's going to come close to you; you truly are so special, and so wonderful, and I'll miss you so much.

Love you, little pirate.

And Another Title!

Very exciting.

Charlie got his SPD title this morning, which means his registered name is now Charlie J.D. G.D. S.P.D.

Ain't he a fancy smancy boy.

We had two lovely runs with Mia the great dane and her owner- not the fastest pairs runs, but lovely all the same- and we had an absolute blast. Mia also got her SPD title after our first run, so it was a double bonus. I feel a bit special, Charlie and I helping two handlers and their dogs get their final qualies for their novice strategic pairs titles, haha :P

While we didn't have 2o2o, Charlie did seem to be listening because I called touch and he slowed, did funny little strides, and hit both his dog walk contacts running for each run. So I'm stoked he seems to be slowly getting the gist.

I am a bit worried, though, because I think he stressing which is why he gets so wound up. It's hard to describe, and I have a splitting headache, but basically he tries to pull away from the ring up until he knows we're going in, and then he pulls me in and tries to do everything all at once.

So I'm thinking it's part stress, part excitement, part... I don't know. I still haven't quite figured out what makes him tick and what I need to do to make trials a less messy experience for us. I'm so pleased with him today, but there's something going on with his mind when we're trialing and I want to fix it.

Just don't know quite what it is and what to do about it yet.

...

The pathology results won’t come back until Monday or Tuesday next week, but the interim ones are pretty much definite anyway and the specialist is convinced.

Fletcher has a nasal tumour.

It’s cancerous.

And it has microscopic “arms” which stretch out into any number of extra areas other than the site of the tumour above his soft palate.

Even if I had the money for the surgery and the radiation, it would be pointless since it wouldn’t remove it all and it wouldn’t fix anything.

So there’s no other option but to put Fletcher to sleep before the cancer eats away at him, and causes seizures, and facial deformity, and bleeding, and way more pain that I ever want to see him put through.

And the part which is up to him is when that happens.

He’s still bubbly, and happy tail wagging, and wandering about despite the fact that he can’t see a thing and his right eye’s actually been more or less stitched shut to try and protect it a bit, and he just about tacklehugged me when I got home from work before, and is still intent on destroying Charlie’s treasured squeaky turtle. So until that stops, and he looks like he’s ready to go, we’ll just keep doing what we’re doing.

It’s moving really, really fast, though- he’s gone from being relatively fine to a mess that can’t see or barely breath in just two weeks, so I imagine it won’t be a whole lot longer.

Charlie and I have a trial tomorrow.

Double strategic pairs one.

With the loopy great dane.

Fletcher wasn’t going to come along, but now I know what the actual problem is I think I’ll take him too. He gets really depressed when I’m not around, and no one can really watch him properly at home while I’m out.

I’m trying out Charlie’s “touch” to see if it’ll work in comps as well as it does in training, and keeping my fingers crossed for the final two Qs we need to get Charlie’s SPD title- which would mean we’d be in excellent strategic pairs and able to buddy up with Tarki again.

And we’re running for Fletcher, ‘cause I know he would have loved to one day but he isn’t going to get the chance now. So whether or not we come home with two Qs, or one Q or absolutely nothing, it doesn’t matter.

‘Cause we’re running for my little pirate, and that means way, way more than any qualie card or title.